Demolition Man Quotes

Simon Phoenix: Spartan? John Spartan? Oh shit! They let anybody into this century.


John Spartan: Bad aim, Blondie!
Simon Phoenix: Spartan? John Spartan? Aw shit, they let anybody into this century! What the hell you doing here?


Edgar Friendly: See... According to Cocteau's plan, I'm the enemy because I like to think. I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kinda guy who likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak of the barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fried". I want high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon, butter and buckets of cheese, ok? I wanna smoke a cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I wanna rin through the streets naked with green jello all over my body reading PlayBoy magazine, why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, ok pal? I've seen the future, know what it is? It's a 47-year old virgin sitting around in his beige pyjamas driking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an oscar meyer wiener"


John Spartan: Send a maniac to catch a maniac.


John Spartan: You're gonna regret this the rest of your life... both seconds of it.


Lenina Huxley: I was wondering if you would like to have sex?
John Spartan: [surprised] Here? With you? Now?
Lenina Huxley: [nervously, nodding] Mm-hmm.
John Spartan: Oh yeah.


[after futuristic, contact-free "sex"]
John Spartan: Look, Huxley, why don't we just do it the old-fashioned way?
Lenina Huxley: [stands up, shocked] Eeewww, disgusting! You mean... *fluid transfer*?


Lenina Huxley: [stamping her foot] You are a savage creature John Spartan, and I wish for you to leave my domicile now!


Lenina Huxley: Let's go blow this guy.
John Spartan: Away! Blow this guy *away*!
Lenina Huxley: Whatever.


Simon Phoenix: Wait a minute, this is the future. Where are all the phaser guns?


Booth: Gun. Noun. Portable firearm. This device was widely utilized in the urban wars of the late twentieth century. Referred to as a pistol, a piece...
Simon Phoenix: Look I don't need a history lesson! C'mon, HAL, where are the god damn guns?
Moral Statute Machine: You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
Simon Phoenix: What? Fuck you!
Moral Statute Machine: Your repeated violation of the Verbal Morality Statute has caused me to notify the San Angeles Police Department. Please remain where you are for your reprimand.
Simon Phoenix: Yeah, right.
[police sirens approach]
Simon Phoenix: Fuckers are fast too.


John Spartan: [to machine on wall after finding out that they no longer use toilet paper] Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball breaking, duck fucking pain in the ass.
Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined five credits for repeated violations of the verbal morality statute.
John Spartan: [grabbing the tickets] So much for the seashells. See you in a few minutes.


John Spartan: Hey Luke Skywalker, use the force.


Simon Phoenix: I'm sorry to say that the world has become a pussy-whipped, Brady Bunch version of itself, run by a bunch of robed sissies.


Simon Phoenix: All right, gentlemen, let's review. The year is 2031 - that's two-oh-three-one - and I am sorry to say the world has become a pussy-whipped, Brady Bunch version of itself, run by a bunch of robed sissies. All we have to do to run the whole show, is to kill a man named Raymond. But, there's a special added bonus. We get to kill the man that put most of us on ice in the first place.
CryoCon: You mean, we get to kill John Spartan?
Simon Phoenix: That's right!
[the CryoCons laugh and cheer]
Simon Phoenix: I want you to rob, I want you to pillage, I want you to steal! I want you to do all the wonderful things that we used to do before all of this happened! This world will be ours! Are you with me?
Cryocons: YEAH!
Simon Phoenix: ARE YOU WITH ME?
Cryocons: YEAH!
Simon Phoenix: LET'S DO IT!
[they clink beer bottles]


[after Spartan crashes in a police car]
Lenina Huxley: Look at you, you're a mess!
John Spartan: It's okay, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread.
[pause]
John Spartan: I didn't really just say that, did I? Damn!


John Spartan: Huxley, stop. Hurting people's not a good thing! Well, sometimes it is...


Lenina Huxley: Looks like there's a new shepherd in town.
[Spartan gives her an exasperated look]
John Spartan: That's sheriff.


Lenina Huxley: Chief, you can take this job, and you can shovel it.
John Spartan: Take this job... and shovel it.
Lenina Huxley: Yeah?
John Spartan: Close enough.


Lenina Huxley: He's finally matched his meet. You really licked his ass.
John Spartan: That's *met* his match and kicked... *kicked* his ass...


Boggle Guard: Mellow greetings. What seems to be your boggle?


Lenina Huxley: The exchange of bodily fluids, do you know what that leads to?
John Spartan: Yeah, I do! Kids, smoking, a desire to raid the fridge.


Lenina Huxley: I find this lack of stimulus to be truly disappointing, don't you think?
Warden William Smithers - Aged: I try not to, my dear. However, you're young, think all you want!


Lenina Huxley: [sotto voce] Sanctimonious asshole.
Machine on wall: Lenina Huxley, you are fined one-half credit for a sotto voce violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.


Simon Phoenix: Simon says, "Die."


Simon Phoenix: Simon says, "Bleed."


Troubled Guy: I don't know... lately I just don't feel like there's anything special about me.
Booth: You are an incredibly sensitive man, who inspires joy-joy feelings in all those around you.


Erwin: We're police officers! We're not trained to handle this kind of violence!


John Spartan: I'm gonna go down there, I'm gonna find Phoenix, and I'm gonna put him in a hurt locker.


Taco Bell Patron: What would you say if I called you a brutish fossil, symbolic of a decayed era gratefully forgotten?
John Spartan: I don't know... thanks?


[Huge Explosion, John Spartan steps from the wreckage]
Simon Phoenix: I'll be god damned! Like a New York cockroach!


Simon Phoenix: I must've done something right in a previous life. Can't imagine what that could've been.


T.V. Reporter: [to John Spartan] How can you justify destroying a $7 million dollar mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000 dollars?
Little Girl: FUCK YOU, LADY!
John Spartan: Ha! Good answer!


[a frozen naked criminal swings by overhead]
Simon Phoenix: I hope my butt didn't look like that! Okay, who do we have that's good? Wilkes, Patrick... Jeffrey Dahmer? I love that guy!


Edgar Friendly: You see, according to Cocteau's plan I'm the enemy, 'cause I like to think; I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder - "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I WANT high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and BUCKETS of cheese, okay? I want to smoke Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green jello all over my body reading playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? I've SEEN the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener".


John Spartan: You're on TV!


Simon Phoenix: So let me get this right, they defrosted you just so you could lasso my piddly ass? Damn, you been had! I been dreamin' about killin' you for forty years.
John Spartan: Well, keep dreaming!


Dr. Cocteau: Well I must say that whacking, whatever it is, sounds most disagreeable.


John Spartan: So let me get this right, Spacely Sprockets here, who's now the man in charge, the Mayor Gov who want to take me to dinner at Taco Bell, and Lord knows I could go for a burrito, is also one of the guys who built the God-damned cryo-prison?


John Spartan: Now, Phoenix could be anywhere, but not being coded could hurt him and limit his options...
John Spartan: That is correct. Money is out-moded. All transactions are through code.
John Spartan: All right, so he can't buy food or a place to stay for the night. It would be a waste of time to mug somebody... Unless he rips off somebody's hand, and let's hope he doesn't figure that one out!


John Spartan: You're under arrest, Phoenix.
Simon Phoenix: Arrest? Shit. And you're trespassing.


Squad Leader: Simon Phoenix! Lie down with your hands behind your back.
Simon Phoenix: What's this? Six of you. Such nice, tidy uniforms. Oh I'm so scared!
[the Police Officers look at each other]
Simon Phoenix: What you guys don't have sarcasm anymore?
[Police Officer talks to his automated assistant]
Squad Leader: Maniac has responded with a scornful remark.
automated assistant: Approach, and repeat ultimatum in an even firmer tone of voice. Add the words, "or else".


Automated Announcer: The Armory exhibit is now sealed. All museum patrons still occupying the facility should remain calm. Help is imminent.
[the sealed Armory door is blown apart by a canon]
Simon Phoenix: The museum is no longer sealed is it! Haha! What can I say, I'm a blast from the past!
John Spartan: You should've stayed there.
Simon Phoenix: Whoa that voice sounds familiar. Who is that?


Chief George Earle: We can just wait for another code to go red. And when Phoenix performs another Murder Death Kill, we'll know exactly where to pounce.
John Spartan: Great plan.
Chief George Earle: Thank you.
Erwin: He likes your plan, Chief!


Erwin: [On phone] Greetings and salutations. Welcome to the San Angeles Emergency Line. If you would like an automated response, please press '1' now.


[cops are singing along with "golden oldies": radio jingles]
John Spartan: Somebody put me back in the fridge.


John Spartan: Is it cold in here, or is it just me?
Simon Phoenix: Good memory.


Zachary Lamb - Aged: Phoenix is an old fashioned criminal. We need an old fashioned cop.


Lenina Huxley: No, John Spartan, you do not accuse the savior of our city of being in league with a multi-murder-death-killer like Simon Phoenix! It's... rude!
John Spartan: I'll be subtle. I'm good at subtle.


Dr. Cocteau: John Spartan, this display of barbaric behavior was unacceptable even in your time!
John Spartan: Yeah. But it worked.
[Shoots out the monitors with Cocteau's face on them]
John Spartan: When a man like Pheonix has a gun to your head, ten seconds is nine and a half seconds longer than you live.


LeninaHuxley: I have, in fact, perused some newsreels in the Schwartzenegger Library, and the time that you took that car...
JohnSpartan: Hold it. The Schwartzenegger Library?
LeninaHuxley: Yes. The Schwartzenegger Presidential Library. Wasn't he an actor when you...
JohnSpartan: Stop! He was President?
LeninaHuxley: Yes! Even though he was not born in this country, his popularity at the time caused the 61st Amendment which states...
JohnSpartan: I don't wanna know. President.


[John Spartan landed on the police car stolen by Simon Phoenix]
Simon Phoenix: No free rides!


Edgar Friendly: All I wanna do in bury Cocteau up to his neck in shit, and let him think happy-happy thoughts forever.


[last lines]
John Spartan: But there's just one thing I wanna know...
Lenina Huxley: Hm?
John Spartan: How's that damn three seashell thing work?


[the voice-activated car that Spartan is riding in is malfunctioning]
John Spartan: Brake! Brake! Brake now, you Mickey Mouse-piece of shit!


Simon Phoenix: [after his gang kills Dr. Cocteau] Put another log on the fire, boys.
[the gang throws Cocteau into the fireplace]


John Spartan: Why don't you just shove a leash up my ass?


Lenina Huxley: [shoots a CyroCon about to knife Spartan] That man has died by my hands.
John Spartan: It was him or us, Huxley.
Lenina Huxley: Well yeah, there is that.


John Spartan: [whispering to Lenina] Look, I don't know if you guys know it, but uh... you're out of toilet paper.
Alfredo Garcia: [confused] Did... did you say toilet *paper*?
Lenina Huxley: Um... they used handfuls of wadded paper back in the 20th...
[Lenina, Alfredo, and Erwin all laugh]
John Spartan: I'm happy that you're happy, but the place where you're supposed to have the toilet paper, you've got this little shelf with three seashells on it.
Erwin: He doesn't know how to use the three seashells!
[Erwin continues to laugh, then calms down]
Erwin: I can see how that could be confusing.


Lenina Huxley: [Spartan encounters a burger grill in the underground world] Just don't ask them where the meat comes from.
John Spartan: Huxley, what's that supposed to mean?
Lenina Huxley: Do you see any cows around here, detective?
John Spartan: Que es este carne?
[What is this meat?]
Hamburger Stand Scrap: Este carne es de rata.
[This meat is from rats]
John Spartan: Rat? This is a rat burger?
[vendor nods]
John Spartan: Not bad! Matter of fact this is the best burger I've had in years!
Hamburger Stand Scrap: Gracias, Senor.
John Spartan: Prego. See ya later.


Dr. Cocteau: Be well!
John Spartan: Be fucked.


John Spartan: [commenting on his cryo-prison conditioning program] I'm a seamstress? - That's great. I come out of cryo-prison and I'm Betsy-fucking-Ross...


[Simon goes to a computer terminal and is surprised to find his fingers flying across the keys with ease]
Simon Phoenix: Damn, I'm possessed! Wonder if I can play the accordion too...


Edgar Friendly: [referring to Phoenix] They thawed this guy out just to kill me? I'm flattered.
John Spartan: Don't be flattered, be frightened. The guy's a certifiable nightmare.


Warden William Smithers - Aged: Do you have anything fresh to say on your behalf?
[pause]
Warden William Smithers - Aged: I thought not
Simon Phoenix: [looking back at the Warden] Yeah, I do
[pause]
Simon Phoenix: Teddybear!


Lenina Huxley: [complementing Spartan] You are even better live than on Laserdisc!