50 First Dates Quotes

Dr. Keats: Doug, once again, off the juice.
Doug: It'th not juithe. It'th a protein thake.


Lucy: What are you doing?
Henry: Nothing, I was just getting some lint off for you...
Lucy: You were going for a feelski!
Henry: All right, I'm sorry... But this is like the 23rd time we've made out already and... they're getting blue!


[repeated line]
Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom!


Ten Second Tom: Aren't you a little old to be... Hi, I'm Tom!


[at the Callahan Institute]
Security Guard 1: Hey Lucy, good to see you again!
[Lucy walks by quietly]
Security Guard 1: What the hell's her problem?
Security Guard 2: She doesn't remember who you are, brah.
Security Guard 1: Oh yeah, I suck at this job!


Lucy: [to Henry] I hardly know you.
Marlin: Actually sweetie, you're kind of dating him.
[Lucy looks at Henry]
Henry: Yeah. Sorry I'm not better looking.


Ula: Damn you Haole! You make my sister work in your hotels!


Ula: Sharks are like dogs, they only bite if you touch their private parts.


[to his children]
Ula: You kids suck; you're good at everything!


Henry: Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?


[to Jocko]
Henry: Don't forget to use a condom, or in your case, a Hefty bag.


Doug: Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip.
Henry: That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.
Doug: I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it?
Henry: Um, I guess.
Marlin: Doug!


Lucy: I wonder what's the matter with him.
Old Hawaiian Man: Looks like a stupid asshole to me.


[while playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]
Ula: You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?
Henry: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.
Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.
Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?
Ula: A shark bit me.
Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!


Old Hawaiian Man: Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out.


Old Hawaiian Man: [about Henry's drawing on a napkin] Can I have that? I need something to wipe my ass with.


Old Hawaiian Man: That was pathetic.
Henry: Yeah? Why don't you choke on your spam!


Lucy: Can I have one last first kiss?


Alexa: I guess I prefer sausage to taco.


Ula's Kid: Daddy, what's a nympho?
Ula: Uh, nympho is the state bird of Ohio.
Henry: You're the state idiot of Hawaii.


Marlin: Ok, ok, OK! Enough with the titty dance!


Nick: What did Sue say?
Henry: She said that if I talk to Lucy you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.


Dr. Keats: Was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?
Doug: Hey! Don't make fun of Henry, all right? It'th not hith fault hith head'th thaped like that!
Dr. Keats: Note the intense overreaciton. That's the 'roids talking.


Ula: OH, YOU CRAZY BITCH!


[Henry sticks a tooth pick in Lucy's waffle house]
Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now.
Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food?
Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country.
Henry: were you gonna eat that?


[Henry pretends to get electrocuted while jump-starting his car]
Henry: Hah! I can't believe you fell for that!
Lucy: Well... my grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car...
Henry: Oh... I'm so sorry. I was just joking around.
Lucy: I can't believe you fell for THAT!


[first lines]
Young Woman: So tell me. How was Hawaii?
Tan Friend: It was unbelievable.


[last lines]
Henry: Grandpa's here.
Lucy: Hi dad.


Update Video: Red Sox win series!... Just kidding.
Update Video: Schwarzenegger becomes governor of California!... Not kidding.


Dr. Keats: All I know about walruses is that out of all mammals they have the second largest penis. I have the first.
Henry: That's my joke.


Doug: Well, I may not able to kick your ath but my thithter thure can.


Update Video: April: Snoop quits weed.
Update Video: May: Snoop back on weed.


[repeated line]
Lucy: There's nothing like a first kiss.


Dr. Keats: Tom was in an accident and now he only has a ten-second memory.
Ten Second Tom: I was in an accident? That's terrible.
Dr. Keats: Don't worry, you're totally gonna get over it in about three seconds.


Henry: [begging Marlin to let Henry see Lucy and apologize after she ate at the diner] I don't want it to end like this.
Doug: Yeah, well, it's gonna end like this!
[Doug runs to beat up Henry but then Henry holds him down]
Henry: Calm down, little fella!
Doug: Okay I'm calm!
[pause]
Doug: I coulda whooped his ass, Daddy but this gravel - I siped on it a fwell.
Marlin: Then maybe you need to do a little bit more butt flexes.


Henry: I don't think that's an option, Lisa.
Linda: Linda.
Henry: I know. I changed your name for your protection.


Nick: Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups!
Henry: Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-In-One-Punch!


Ula: My shirt size is medium husky.


Doug: [flexing his pecs in the mirror] Hey Trathie, how you doin'? Yeah, well things changed thince high thcool.


Henry: [after Ula speaks in Hawaiian] that's so nice. What does it mean, again?
Ula: Please... bring me back a t-shirt


Henry: Actually I'm going on a trip in a little while to study undersea Pacific walrus behaviors.
Doug: Thounds kind of fruity.
Henry: Thank you.
Doug: How long'th it going to take?
Henry: Uh... about a year.
Doug: I gueth you won't mith days like thith.
Henry: Well, maybe days like this don't have to be so bad.
Marlin: What are you trying to say?
Henry: Well, when you guys tell her, she's not just finding out about the accident. She's finding out that her life is basically a setup. I think that's what freaks her out the most.
Doug: Oh, you're an exthpert now?
Henry: No. I'm just saying I wish there was another way besides: "Sorry we couldn't trick you today. Here's some pictures of your broken head."
Doug: You wanna broken head, huh thmart guy?
Marlin: Why? You gonna give it to him?
Doug: No, Daddy, I thought you wath gonna do it.
Henry: Nobody's gotta break my head, guys. I'm gonna split anyways.
Marlin: [glaring at Doug] Don't go just 'cause my thon is thychotic.
Henry: Good night. Sweet dreams. Keep 'em dry there Doug.
Doug: Very funny.


Ula: [dressed up as Lucy, with a coconut bra on] Aquariums make me super horny!